i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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