Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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