in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
