last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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