Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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