Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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