Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Use "feeling words"
Yay
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
