Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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