the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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