And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
That's intense
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
