I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
