Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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