sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
