he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
