I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
