The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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