I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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