I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
