Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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