Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Who died my cat blue again?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
