He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
