Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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