I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
