Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
