Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
