how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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