god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
