i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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