Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Can you bring me the toilet please
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
