I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
