He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
