I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
