My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
