Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
