Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
