the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
