considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
