my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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