We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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