i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
