Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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