At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
