I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
