Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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