my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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