Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
