Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
