I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
