I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
