One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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