Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
