I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
