Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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