he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
