We're facebook friends in real life
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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