It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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