Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
