I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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