I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
