too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
