pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
