I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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