Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
