just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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