I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
