I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
