I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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