god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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