Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
